sea24

As I exited the car and made my way inside the house,

I convinced myself, by repeating over and over again, “ as long as it isn’t about me, I don’t care.”

Although my heart told me to care even for the people who were going to be affected just like how it happened to me.

And When I saw the instant tears in your eyes, I knew I was wrong.

I could feel my eyes getting wet so fast as I saw the same scenario playing in front of my eyes, like a deja vu, only this time I was in the crowd watching someone I cared for, going through the same thing I went through just a year ago.

I didn’t know what to do. These words feel so repeated and cliché, but certain sad things makes you all poetic, yet so out of words at the same time.

The problem is the communication.

I wish there was more communication and understanding rather than hasty forceful decisions that guarantee “happiness”, but nobody ever knows what the future holds.

I thought I was over-reacting then, but when I saw you hiding your pain, I knew there was something definitely wrong.

Because you never cry.

And above that, you never ever say ‘no’, but this time you did.

I saw someone trying to make up for their mistake today, and also someone repeating the same cycle they were supposed to leave behind.

All the forgiveness I gave them, and they still repeat the same cruel things they did before.

Does it end when somebody finally takes his or her life and show them what they did or are doing is wrong.

I don’t mean to make it look so dark, or threaten anyone.

I am simply standing at a place where I am asking myself, “when will this stop?”, and “what is going to finally make this stop?”

It might have worked for them in the past, but not anymore.

I forgave and they never regretted, the least I expected was for them to never repeat their mistake, but I was a fool, because the people who never regret their mistakes, never really accept that they were wrong in the first place. For them, their mistakes are normal, and not something to feel bad about.

Is it really normal?

Or am I the only one getting mad out here, thinking whether I am the one who is the ‘bad seed’.

I see my floor tiles in front of me right now, as the storm has ended but it has affected the victim mentally. For the doers, it is always easy to move on, but for the ones who suffered, they are either scarred for lives or the only way out, is to forgive the ones who harmed them.

I was the kind to forgive them, because I found at some point, that if I wanted to move on, the only way out was to forgive the people who had hurt me the most, but never had I expected them to repeat the same thing over again.

And they did.

I wonder if they will ever realize their mistakes, and if ever they do, how would they feel in their hearts?

My heart would crush with guilt if I ever did something this terrible in the name of love.

– generational trauma.