sea24

I told myself to not cry and that, this is a part of life, where I have no control on who leaves my life.

So after a bit of convincing here and there amidst situations, I finally found myself not crying even when I was in pain.

So when something left, I felt nothing, and I thought to myself if I was a bad person for not feeling any emotions.

The horrible thoughts started showing themselves, and started asking questions like, “you wanted them to leave right?”

“You don’t like the hassle of having someone in your life.”

“Were they just another burden to you?”

Maybe yes.

I had done something truly horrible as to train myself to be strong and not cry, that now I had become an insensitive monster, who just didn’t care if somebody left her life.

I hate this.

I don’t want this.

I am not a bad person.

The reason, I had trained myself to not cry, had two questions that I had asked myself. And they were:

Question no. 1. If I cry every-time life throws punches in my face, I am just going to be a pathetic pitiful person, who might constantly ask for help and become a burden to them at some point.

( and at any case, I hate playing the victim card, and feeling bad for myself.)

Question no. 2. If I am strong, people might never be able to hurt me. (But what about the sudden demise, which makes people leave even when they don’t want to. Because demises are not intentional, they happen and they break you, and they are never meant to hurt you by the person who didn’t have any hand in it. It was all god.)

And these two questions just led me to keep on becoming stronger, that I forgot what human emotions feel like.

To a point that I would get annoyed if someone even cried excessively to me.

I became a monster, or maybe worse than a monster.

I don’t know, how am I supposed to react to situations and how they are any good?